The one about spider webs, faith, and banana peels

You know those days. We all have them. The days when it feels like you have one foot in the grave of your dying dreams and the other foot on a banana peel. The times when you beg God to come with the jaws of life and gloriously save you from what feels like a deadly and painful situation. And God answers. He sends you a spider web (faith, and hope) to hold onto while you monkey bar your way across the Grand Canyon (the situation). Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor - make that a sense of irony, actually.

I started out this year pumped about all of the positive changes I was going to make in my life, and excited about all of the new possibilities I saw in my future. I was planning to enroll at Full Sail University, and begin studying music production this fall. I was going to take some computer classes and get a higher paying job. I was going to write all kinds of new songs. I was going to be a super friendly person with the magnetic personality and inspire other people to believe in their dreams and reach for the sky, and make all kinds of new friends...you know, the classic dreams of young people.

So, I started saving, and planning, and making phone calls. There were a few set backs, but that was to be expected. Then my parent(s) decided to separate. There's a lot more I could say about that, but I prefer to avoid the subject like the plague. Lets just say it added significantly to the stress load and I started to think about putting college off for a year. Then I decided not to and started the enrollment process. Everything was going along really nicely until they found out I was home schooled. That's when things feel apart because I don't have a high school diploma from a normal school. "Do you have college transcripts from another college?" No, I don't. Now I'm back to ground zero or below. Since it was going to be an online course, and they are a music school, Full Sail University did not require SAT scores so I didn't bother taking the SAT. Now I have to take it, which means I will have to study algebra. Algebra is ok, it just looks really challenging. I love a good challenge. However, right now I am so busy I wonder when I will have time to study. After algebra I will have to take the SAT, and after that enroll at another college for a year, and then I can re-apply at Full Sail... when I'm old and the music I like is out of style, and my class mates are people who will be the age of my children. No, not really, but it seems that way.

My summer was filled with all of the above, so I did not have time to take any computer courses. I applied for two or three different jobs and was hired for a seasonal part time job with the company I already work with. The hours are slightly better (by about 2 hours) and the pay is less, and I may or may not be able to keep that job after the 1st of the year. But it will look good on my resume, so it's worth it. My previous supervisor said I could probably come back to her department if all else fails. We'll see. One of the main pro's about this new job is that now when a customer yells at me, they are on the other end of the phone instead of in my face.

So, what did I do instead of accomplishing my list of potential achievements? I trained for a marathon. Did that make life less stressful? No. Does it make me crazy? Probably, yes. There are two weeks of training left, the actual marathon takes place on the 28th of this month. Running is not therapeutic for me.By therapeutic I mean a good way to de-stress and become calm and sane. Most of the time, it makes me angry and frustrated/discouraged because it takes so much time and energy and the whole time I am thinking about how nice it would be to be walking and thinking long, slow thoughts. Instead my thoughts go more along the lines of " I wonder if I can make it to the next telephone pole, or the next one, or the next one...my feet hurt, and I can't breathe. Walking is so much more fun." Another very important negative fact about running is that often the only time I have to run is in the early morning when it is dark outside and normal people are cautiously putting one foot out of bed to see if they can beat the rat race to the coffee pot.

I also helped to re-arrange and re-invent most of the menu at the cafe where I worked until my recent job switch. I did become really good friends with my co-workers. That's about as far as I got with the whole getting out and making lots of new friends thing. But I think that still counts.

I was able to purchase a new keyboard/piano which was a much-needed item. It caused my frustration level with my music to drop significantly, and I am no longer frequented by strong impulses to heave my piano out the window or across the room nearly as often. I still don't have much time to write songs.

I still believe in my dreams, the part I struggle with is knowing how to accept the reality of now and still hold hope in my heart that they will one day happen. Most days are the banana peel days. And the ones that aren't are faith/spider web days. It often seems like this particular awkward and painful in-between part of life will never end and it will go on being boring and monotonous and hard forever. But that isn't true. One of the prayers I find myself coming back to through-out the day all the time is simply, "I trust you, Jesus." It helps me keep perspective. I think one of the most important lessons a believer can learn is to be grateful for the things that God is doing and changing in our lives without stumbling over what He is not doing that we wish He would be. I feel like that is what I am learning...slowly.

That's my life for now. It doesn't feel particularly inspiring and I often struggle with feeling like my life might be pointless. But it's honest, and I know that the things I do have a grip on are real. So there is hope. I am learning to see the things that Jesus brings into my everyday life that are His tokens of love, life, and hope to me. They are often the small things that I miss so blindly when I'm in a hurry to finish one thing and move onto the next. But pausing long enough in my thoughts to whisper "Thank you" is (I hope) training my thoughts to become more centered around Him instead of fear.

Blessings, Vicki

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing. Your perspective is refreshing. I pray that God's favor will be one your life as you continue to run to Him.

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